Life on the Bench: Navigating Playing Time Anxieties with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
Life on the Bench: Navigating Playing Time Anxieties with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
Jake Kellersohn, LLMSW, CMPC Candidate
Few experiences in sports are as challenging as putting in endless hours of practice only to spend game day watching from the sidelines. When playing time is minimal, it’s natural for doubts, frustration, and anxiety to surface.
Rather than telling you to "just stay positive" or "work harder," Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a different, more effective framework: Psychological Flexibility. ACT focuses on accepting difficult thoughts and emotions rather than fighting them, unhooking from self-defeating narratives, and taking meaningful action grounded in your core values.
The Core Psychological Challenges
1. The Trap of Social Comparison
When you aren't playing as much as you'd like, your mind naturally starts evaluating your worth relative to your teammates:
"Why is coach starting them over me?"
"They made two errors last game and still get to play!"
In ACT, this is known as getting fused with evaluation. When you view every practice through the lens of comparison, you shift focus away from your own mastery and onto external variables you cannot control.
2. The Path to Burnout
Burnout in sport often isn't caused by physical overtraining alone—it’s frequently driven by an emotional gap between effort and perceived outcome. When high exertion produces zero court time, your brain begins to associate training with failure, leading to emotional exhaustion, cynicism, and reduced sense of accomplishment.
3. Navigating Parental Expectations & Pressure
Athletes often carry the heavy weight of their parents' sacrifices—time, money, travel, and emotional investment.
Thoughts like "I'm letting my parents down" or anxiety about the dreaded post-game car ride home can turn sports into an arena of obligation rather than play.
When your internal drive is replaced by fear of disappointing others, athletic joy disappears.
4 ACT-Based Skills & Action Steps
To build resilience on and off the field, practice these four core ACT principles:
Skill 1: Practice Cognitive Defusion (Unhooking From Thoughts)
Your brain is a prediction machine designed to flag potential threats. When you're benched, it generates stories: "I'm useless," "Coach hates me," or "I'll never start."
Action Step: Don't try to force positive thoughts. Instead, notice the thought and label it:
Instead of saying: "I'm bad at this sport."
Try saying: "I am noticing the thought that I am bad at this sport."
This small shift in language creates space between you and your thoughts, preventing a bad thought from dictating your behavior.
Skill 2: Make Room for Hard Feelings (Acceptance)
Trying to suppress anger or envy takes immense energy—energy that could be spent training. Acceptance doesn't mean liking sitting on the bench; it means allowing the discomfort to exist without letting it destroy your focus.
Action Step: Try the 3-Breath Expansion:
Notice where frustration lives in your body (tight chest, clenched stomach).
Breathe into that spot, imagining opening up space around the tension.
Remind yourself: "I can feel frustrated and still be a supportive, focused teammate right now."
Skill 3: Reconnect with Your Athletic Values
Why did you start playing your sport in the first place? Was it love for competition? Brotherhood/sisterhood? Developing physical mastery?
Your values are directions, not destinations. Playing time is an outcome (out of your direct control); your values are how you choose to show up every single day regardless of the score or lineup.
Action Step: Write down 3 core values as an athlete (e.g., Grit, Teamwork, Relentlessness). Identify one small way to act on those values during practice today, even if you are in the second or third rotation.
Skill 4: Focus on Committed Action Within Your Control
You cannot directly control the coach's whistle, your teammates' performances, or the starting lineup. Anchoring your self-worth to things outside your control is a recipe for anxiety.
Out of Your Control
Fully Within Your Control
Playing time & coach decisions
Energy level on the bench & during drills
Teammate performance
How you prepare in the weight room & film room
Parent reactions & expectations
Verbal support for teammates during games
Action Step: Define your "Bench Blueprint". When you are not in the game, commit to 2 specific actions:
Verbally call out plays/cues to help the starters on the floor.
Track a specific statistical performance metric for your position to keep your mind sharp and engaged.
A Note for Parents: Changing the Narrative
If you're a parent of an athlete experiencing limited playing time, remember that your child often absorbs your emotional reaction.
Avoid Immediate Analysis: Give your athlete 30–60 minutes after a game before discussing sports.
Focus on Values over Outcomes: Instead of asking "Why didn't coach put you in?", ask "How did you handle staying locked in on the bench today?"
Separate Your Identity from Theirs: Ensure your child knows your love and pride in them are completely detached from their stat line or starting status.